Pay the salarian doctor a visit
by SingularityField
Summary: Mordin Solus has a hard but amusing day checking on the whole crew of the Normandy. Every character (including minor ones) aboard the SR-2 included.


**Pay the doctor a visit**

It was just another day in the lab for Professor Mordin, as usual, he took a deep breath before beginning his routine checks, "ready, can come in!" The first patient was no one else but Joker:

"Ah, Vrolik syndrome. Noticeable. Will need you to sit down," Joker didn't hesitate to start with his banter, "that, I can do, doc... just let me uhh..." Mordin heard the cracking bones, "need to apply painkillers, hold still." Joker raised his index as his head lowered, "now hold on a sec, don't get tricky with― Agghhh!"

"Next!" Miranda comes in:

"Hmm, top biotic, leader-like, charismatic," Miranda felt intrigued, "didn't know you made your patients blush, Mordin," she said tongue-in-cheek though he took it seriously as it came from the ice queen herself, "interesting inference, but wrong at all given my lack of desire for a relation other than professional and―" Miranda interrupted:

"Mordin!"

"Yes?"

"Just tell me if I really need that bio-amp you mentioned," Mordin swiftly examined her head with his omni-tool, "most definitely, advise to dye hair as most amps asari made... some incompatible with human physiology." Miranda waved her hair before leaving, clearly she had taken the advice as a warning, "guess I'll stick to Serrice then."

"Next!" Kelly enters and finds the doctor scratching his eye:

"Red haired, blondes rarer, still interesting." Kelly blushed, "uhuh, you're just being sweet." Mordin shook his head in surprise, "redder now! Fascinating..." The giggles continued as the doctor helped the Yeoman sit down, "full body check, routinely, need to hold still," Kelly naïvely followed, "ok."

A few minutes later his shocking conclusion ensued, "scale-itch, no further ado," Kelly couldn't believe it, "are you sure!?" The doctor reassured with more surprise, "definitely... Ah, even redder now!" Kelly left distressed.

"Next!" Jacob came by:

"Hey doc, what's up," they shared a quick handshake before talking about the real deal, "so uh, have you got any advice on diet?" Mordin leans his head, "diet implies many variables like exercise, please specify." Jacob brings up his omni-tool, the curious professor twists his neck closer to it, "Hmm, biotic, well-trained, ex-alliance, male, push-up routine, many calories burned― (breaths deeply) recommend lots of roasted Varren." Jacob shares another handshake and leaves satisfied.

"Next!" Dr. Chakwas showed up momentarily before his next patient came in, "Ah... if here to share drink, might as well it be Serrice for you," Chakwas giggled as she put two energy drinks on his table, "Tupari's a good substitute," she said smiling as she opened the can for him.

Thane appeared after Chakwas tempted Mordin with the drink, "excellent! Have not seen many drell in lifetime. Tupari?" Thane silently sat down beside him, "not very talkative, understandable. Adaptation to new environments provokes shyness," he said whilst checking his chest:

"Breathing apparatus unconditioned to sustain illness, suggest to leave chest exposed, maybe try to expose other areas for major clinical comfort," Thane backed off at the suggestion, "is it necessary to do that, good doctor?" He asked with his usual politeness. "On second thought, exposing other areas might incite females to examine you from afar... Drell body attractive to members of other species, you must know," Mordin's warm pat on his back showed Thane that the doctor had a sense of humour that could make a stoic assassin like him chuckle, "thank you doctor."

"Next― WHOA!" He jumped at the sight of Kasumi deactivating her cloak:

"Hah, I knew that'd get you," the Master Thief sat on the desk like a young girl expecting candies at the end of her visit. "Hallucinations impossible," he looked at his drink frantically, "Tupari unable to do that!"

"Relax doc, that's just my MO," Kasumi assured him. "And my MO tells me to proceed with check," Mordin said with a more civil tone now... "No abnormalities encountered though prolonged use of Graybox may cause headaches." Kasumi tilted her head cockily, "pfft, tell me about it, I'm just here for the sweets." Mordin rushed at his drawer afterwards. "I thought you weren't that kind of doc," Kasumi said chuckling as she received some candies. "Crew mostly human, have to adapt to human customs."

"Next!" Mordin nervously rubbed against his forehead at the sight of Samara entering, " _will have to be meticulous_ ":

The Justicar's melancholic gaze proved him why the likes of her preferred to remain silent, "please sit down Madame, _mesmerizing eyes too distracting, avoid eye contact,_ " Samara noted that Mordin's behaviour comically resembled that of a Matriarch discussing politics with her sisters. Inadvertently, the doctor made her remember the delicate graciousness the Matriarchs of her times as a young wild maiden used to treat rebel asari like her. As he examined her cartilages, carefully as a barber trimming the last long hairs of a client, he noticed nothing else but traces of the topics from Illium many asari utilize to prevent their scalp from getting gangly and asymmetrical, "Have shopped on Illium before?" He asked her, avoiding eye contact to prevent unprofessional behaviour from occurring. "Yes," Samara answered. "Do you worry about your appearance, Madame?" Mordin asked again as he quickly shifted to examine another cartilage. "That is correct." The doctor enjoyed the challenge, " _colder than ice queen, yet glamorous..."_

"Suggest buying shampoo I added to your list on Citadel, best product to deal with traces on asari scalp, Madame," he pointed at her most bent cartilage before she left. "I will do that," a swift nod from her made his smile wider.

"Next!" Mordin leaned to see Garrus' wounds as if he were admiring a piece of art:

"Superficial diagnostic tells me scars attractive to krogan," he said dragging him to the chair with delicacy, "very lucky if into krogan." Garrus couldn't help but cough a laugh —the crew had made many jokes on his face already that he had got a bit grumpy about it.

"No need to remind me of that doc, I'm just here for my daily check," Mordin proceeded to venture into his scarred skin with a variation of needles and ice-picks. "Hmm, tissue is recovering, although damage is permanent, suggest surgery to replace skin," the doctor added as the turian looked at him bored:

"Thanks, but I think I'll keep it that way."

"Ah! Definitely into krogan, see?" Mordin's eyes lit up immediately.

"N-no..." he coughed another laugh, his grumpiness couldn't take any more jokes, even if the doctor was being serious about it, "Let's just say I've got no interest in a relationship."

"Ah. In that case, finding comfort in other activities useful as well: working out, target practice, calibrations..."

"Did you say...?" Garrus began sweating as his eyes opened wider.

"Calibrations of course, running joke says your love for them is relationship-like," Mordin offered him a handkerchief, "need to clean sweat? Dextro fluids toxic to..."

"I gotta go," and he rushed out of the lab to be with the love of his life.

"Next!" Mordin seemed like a juggler handling all his tools, preparing to check the only synthetic crew member.

"This unit is ready to comply with Shepard-Commander's recommendations."

"Synthetic, _examining artificial tissue might be problematic_ , (breaths deeply) will need to sit down beside."

Legion did as ordered. His flashing eye would flicker for as long as the doctor tinkered with his body...

"Error, probl-m, canno-, proce-."

"Need to hold still, almost done," he said focused like an artist with his tongue out tweaking, tinkering...

"Unab- to... bombard-, trigg-,"

"And done," with one final juggle of his needle, he said, "not much about tech, but managed to enhance your systems and take tissue sample."

"Does this unit need further check of its systems?" Legion said adjusting his still flickering eye.

"Would suggest asking quarian crew memb— Ah!" He gasped at the sight of a nervous Tali at the door.

"Can I... come in? Is it my turn?"

Mordin gratuitously welcomed her as he led Legion to the exit, "of course, excellent timing, might become my new assistant."

"Assistant?" She interrupted uneasy. Legion moving his eye next to her.

"Yes, geth expert needed to keep track of patient here," Mordin ceased his thinking, and lowered his arm as he knew the quarian necessitated attention, "can talk about it later, sit?"

"Ok..." She approached the table, her tone more confident yet awkward.

Mordin began working right away on her suit, lifting whatever pocket he stumbled upon with one hand whilst examining her visor, "sensing some unusual temperatures in certain areas, sick?" Tali reiterated what she had told him earlier, "my suit rupture. The one you treated."

She proceeded to show him her arm, "dextro species scarring unique, altered by certain parameters, many products good to accelerate process."

"Such as?" She leaned to ask as Mordin frantically scanned his drawers.

He jumped out of surprise in front of her, the awkward quarian reacted in a cute manner, "what is that!?" The doctor's hand covered the item he was raising as some kind of treasure... a few seconds of curious admiration until Tali almost fell off the table hypnotized. "Careful!" He caught her in time. "Sorry, I was caught in the moment." Mordin finally gave it to her. "Dextro-chocolate!" She skipped happily clasping her hands. "Sweets often speed up process of healing, nutrients always welcomed in many ways."

She sped up to give him a hug, like a girl showing affection to her father, "thanks Mordin."

"We'll be here if you need me. Next!"

Zaeed and Jack came in, fussing their way in:

" _Problematic, definitely problematic."_

"Alright doc, let's get done with this shit."

"Guddamn rash itches like a bitch," Zaeed complained.

"A powerful bitch," Jack added, showing off her skills on a test tube.

"Heh, even I'd keep my distance from bitches like you."

"Fuck someone's mind long enough and they turn you into this."

"I've fucked many things in my life, good thing you're not one of them," Zaeed complimented, letting out a short laugh.

"What, you scared?" Jack taunted.

"Are you high on your own shit already or just—?"

"STOP!" The two of them turned at Mordin, his voice tone more serious, "rash treated with ointments, apply gently on affected area," he handed the stuff to Zaeed just before he could open his filthy mouth.

"Biotics overwhelming if not controlled, suggest new bio-amp, for now use this."

"A bag of ice? You're shitting me right?" Jack questioned.

"Will tell ship's AI to purchase bio-amp for you, this solution will momentarily prevent destruction of my lab... (breaths deeply), apply on head."

"Sure, you're the doc anyway," she took the bag with her usual rowdiness.

"This crap better work," Zaeed said as the doctor gently pushed them both out of his lab. "See you later, Mordin, hahaha," Jack flung another test tube before finally leaving, Mordin caught it in time frowning, " _problematic, will have to use neural shock next time."_

"Next!" Mordin gasped at the krogan.

"So... heard you had to check something on me," Grunt expressed, very relaxed. Mordin then brought up his omni-tool for a quick scan. Grunt didn't expect the flashing lights to disturb him, he shrank his shoulders in an attempt to suffocate the non-existent pain, "Hmmph!"

"Need not to worry, krogan field of expertise for me," he said with a safe smile, "now will proceed to get tissue sample."

"That won't sting, right?"

"Unless afraid of needles, no." Grunt's eyes widened at the revelation, "needl- Ahhgg!" Mordin hastened to calm the moody krogan. He'd been expecting a reaction like that. "No reason to get angry..."

"That's not good," Grunt said rubbing his pierced skin.

"Pyjak meat Shepard bought on Tuchanka might alleviate bad sensation, suggest to..." Grunt took the steaks presented to him right away, "roast or..." He then started to chew maniacally. "Have not had lunch yet?"

"Just an hour ago."

Mordin paused for a moment, "krogan calorie consumption high for babies, will recommend another trip to Tuchanka."

"Thanks doc," Grunt greeted, spitting bits of pyjak on the salarian's face.

"Next!" Mordin shouted as he wiped his face. Ken & Gabby came in:

"Forgive mess, have had hard day, here for routine check?"

"Actually we were hoping you'd tell us what's wrong with Kenneth," Gabby explained, Donnelly wouldn't stop scratching his arms.

"Hmm, need kid to come closer," he gave him a grim look as he touched his jaw.

"He's not going to do anything to me, is he, Gabby?"

"Relax Kenneth, you'll be fine." Daniels pushed him aside to sit down, "Plus I'm tired of scratching your back while you work," she gasped.

Mordin turned him around, almost spinning him, "common rash, contagious, also noticed oddity on right wrist."

"Yeah," Gabby intervened as she toyed with some broken test tubes, "Kenneth's had that since I know him, it's weird."

"I- I can explain." Mordin's professional gaze made the kid nervous, "had accident with wrist when young?" He asked slightly tapping his chin. "You could... say that," he said rubbing the back of his neck.

"Kenneth!" Daniels exclaimed pushing his shoulder.

"Aye... When I was young Iiii... liked to... experiment with my body."

"Oh, God, this is embarrassing," Gabby said quietly.

"Please continue."

"So I'd often get in awkward positions just to get the most comfort..." he carefully explained mimicking the positions with his arms.

"What kind of comfort?" Mordin asked raising a brow as Gabby face-palmed out of shame.

Ken, red as Kelly's hair, looked as if he was being choked by his partner, "sexual..." Gabby's reaction of surprise ensuing slowly, "comfort?" She couldn't help but slap the back of his head at that moment, "Ouh!"

"Final analysis: human sexual impulses can be overwhelming, self-control best option to avoid such extents."

"What about his rash, Mordin!?" Gabby inquired sighing with one hand on her head, showing discontent.

"Avoid physical contact with Zaeed, rash contagious," shaking his head, he said.

"Darn it (coughs), I knew I shouldn't have played (coughs) darts with him."

"I had to win that game for you," Gabby said cockily as she gave him a lighter slap, "thanks for the ointment Mordin."

A few moments later:

"Do you have a specific inquiry?"

"Just finished shopping list, will need various ointments, test tubes, asari scalp products, candies both dextro and levo (breaths deeply), and a new blanket amongst many more things!"

"Very well, I will forward the items list to Shepard."


End file.
